Testing and Trials

I don't like being tested. No one does right? I feel like in my adult life I have had some pretty significant testing. Experiencing a miscarriage, living under the poverty level and dealing with job difficulties, waiting years to conceive, and having many doors shut. Everyone goes through trials and in the midst of these I felt like they were pretty tough, but knew that I would come out of them stronger and have more of an appreciation and purpose. I always saw the light on the other side.

But this... divorce... separation... everything that is happening in my whirlwind of a life right now... this is just not the case. If I'm being brutally honest, I don't see the light. I don't see any way, any how, that this is going to get better, or easier. I am trying the best I can to get through each day and enjoy each day, but sometimes I just feel so tested. 

I don't know why bad things happen or why 'God allows bad things to happen' as people say. But what I do know is that there is evil in the world. And I have never experienced a fight with Satan like I am now. This is some serious spiritual warfare. And like I keep saying, I do know that our faith grows only when we need to rely on God the most. You can't grow in your faith when your life is perfect and everything is going great. I mean... you can grow closer to God and worship Him and such. But your faith doesn't GROW. You just don't have the capacity to fully trust Him until you need to trust him. 

If you have never experienced the devastation of divorce, count your blessings. If you have, bless you. Seriously. I had not a clue how all encompassing it was and is. Every moment of every day is filled with emotional strain beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I took this amazing class  {I'm going to blog about that one day} and they said that when you think of your life in four parts; physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual - they are normally all running equally. However, when you are going through a divorce or separation, the emotional takes up 85%. I know you math wizards are realizing that only leaves 15% for everything else. Yeah - seems impossible to me. 

Then you add in things like the dishwasher leaking (thank you Dad for fixing that!), and now a refrigerator leaking, and cloth diapers leaking - despite the fact I have spent HOURS trying to fix that issue, and a diaper sprayer leaking -- yeah so clearly I have a leaking issue here. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up and quit. And clearly I can't just quit so instead I sit here and just wonder why. I think God thinks I am stronger than I am. No I know that. I don't know what to do about things like refrigerators leaking and honestly, HONESTLY, I just can't even deal with it. I can't. I just take the bottom part off and mop up the water every 3 days when it leaks. Because I honestly just don't have the energy to deal with it. I am putting everything I have into taking care of my precious babies and doing what I need to do for them. {And I love that.} But that leaves me with nothing else. And I am learning that's ok. It's ok for me to feel broken. And it's ok for me to have to let things go - like a lot of things. And it's ok for me to be incredibly thankful for so many blessings that I have, but at the same time wonder why all of this has to happen. 

I think it's ok for us to ask God why. Because when we show weakness, He is strong. And He knows our hearts and knows that we are human and when we fall on our knees He will meet us. He wants us to cry out to Him. And out of that questioning we will grow faith and trust and gratitude. 

So that's what's been on my heart and mind. And if you know of any little fairies that can fix refrigerators or cloth diapers or diaper sprayers -- you know where to send them. :)

Bad Days

Can I just be super honest for a minute?? Today sucks. It just does. I have soooo many blessings, so much to be thankful for, and so many good parts to my days, and I don't for one second want to sound ungrateful. But today seriously just stinks.

August 1, 2004

The best day of my life. My wedding day. My marriage day. The day I pledged to love and honor my one true love. My best friend. The one who I would spend every day with for the rest of my life. So many hopes. So many dreams. And now - exactly 10 years later - I sit and cry. Bawl actually. Thinking about how all of that is shattered to pieces. I just don't even know where to go from here or how to express the thousands of emotions it seems like I am feeling. It just seems to hit me like a million knives stabbing my heart. I honestly just don't even know what to compare it to. 

Obviously this day will always be difficult, but it just seems like an extra stab with it being our tenth anniversary. I took my vows very very seriously, and I just hate being in this position. I'm surrounded by people I love, yet I am just so lonely. I know there are people who know how I feel, yet I feel like I am the only one that feels these feelings. 

I have had bad days, and I know I will continue to have them, but today just stinks. I know that there are people who think I should just pick my head up and try my best to be happy. And people who want to say things to make me feel better. But honestly, I feel like for my recovery and my healing it's ok to have bad and sad days. 

So thanks for those who are putting up with me on my bad days and for letting me have them. The most important thing to me is to know how much God loves me and how much people love me. I know and feel both of those and am so grateful for that. I would not be able to trudge through this without it.