Final

I have been thinking about writing this post for a long time, but just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. For some reason putting it in writing makes it seem even more real.

The divorce is final.

The last 16 months have been the hardest of my entire life. I have never experienced so much pain, and I hope I don't ever again. In a sense, it seems like the end of the road. But really I feel like this is just the beginning. People have asked how I feel about the divorce being final, and I am not really sure how to put it into words. On one hand, it is somewhat relieving to have some closure. Yet I still just don't want to be in this place and my heart aches so much. I feel like I am being forced to leave so many dreams behind me. This is just so far from what I ever hoped for for my family. It just really stinks.

That being said, every day I feel like I get my feet a little more firmly planted and I have been given such peace. A peace that surely can only come from God. He has truly sustained me. And I feel so empowered in many ways. 

A very dear friend of mine said the most amazing thing when I told her the divorce was final. I'm not sure that I have ever been so profoundly impacted by words. She said, "You are God's child. You are loved beyond measure. You are an amazing mother. You are one of the strongest women I know and admire. You, Kerry are my dear friend who cannot by confined by any title." It is so easy to forget those things. The most important thing to me is to be God's child and that can never be taken away from me. Even though there is so much pain and so much hurt I know I am loved so deeply by Him. I could never understand the depths of His love. I think about how much I love my children. So much that it hurts sometimes. And He loves me even more than that. I just can not wrap my head around it. And that is what I have been choosing to focus on. 

And I know that the enemy wants nothing more than for me to forget all of that. He doesn't want me to get through this and come out still praising God. But lucky for me my God is bigger and has provided for me in so many ways.

There's a song that I love. It's my new theme song. It's by for King and Country and it's called "It's Not Over Yet." The parts that I love the most say this:

They are inside your head

You got a voice that says

You won't get past this one

You won't win your freedom....

You're bruised and beaten

And you feel defeated

To everyone who's hit their limit

It's not over yet

And even when you think you're finished

It's not over yet...

It's time to put it in your past...

It's redemption season...

This is my redemption season. Because I am already redeemed by the One who matters most. So I can keep taking one step at a time and trusting that He is going to bless me in ways that I didn't know possible. And He already is. I have seen His hand on so many little things over the past few months. I have watched things unfold that can only be His handiwork. And I am so grateful.

This life is not what matters most. It's not over yet. And it never will be on this earth. So I will do the best I can to praise Him and be thankful for the thousands upon thousands of blessings that I have. But I can always keep in mind the rewards that are waiting for me when I get to the other side -- especially when I am feeling bruised and beaten. 

Here's the song if you want to listen to it on YouTube (its SO GOOD!):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=maSQ3cgvta0

So Much Change

It has been brought to my attention - by numerous people - that I have not updated the world with what has been going on. :)

Things have been crazy and busy and awesome and terrifying and great all at the same time.

I wish I had more time, but a quick update will have to do.

In short - God has been SO good to me. He is providing for me in so many ways and I am feeling so strong and empowered and safe both in my relationship with Him and in life in general.

For about ten months after our separation, I felt like I was in a deep dark pit, and things just kept getting worse and worse. I even shared this feeling multiple times in my DivorceCare class. I just felt like there was no way out of this darkness and it would be so long before I started on my way 'up' again. I also often used the analogy of being out on the water, in the midst of a storm, and keeping my eyes on Jesus because without Him I would just sink. Just like when Peter went out and walked on the water.

I thought that eventually I would feel a gradual shift. When one day things would start to look up again. But that really didn't happen. Instead, it seemed like I woke up one day (not sure what day that was) and things were awesome. I just felt so different. God just kept putting things in my path and I LOVE seeing His handprint all over the place. I have such a clear promise from Him through these handprints that show that He has got me covered.

The divorce stuff is definitely not awesome. It's so stinking hard. There are so many elements to it. And I think one day I will be able to open up more about that.

But for now, I am so excited to see what else God has in store for me and my two biggest blessings.

Thanks for caring, friends!

One Year

One year ago today my life changed forever. Rob and I have been separated for one year. One whole year. Eternity... yet the blink of an eye.

I still have so many emotions going on inside (and outside). I have learned and grown so incredibly much this past year and have done things I never thought I would have the strength to do. God has proven Himself to me over and over. Yet I am still so fragile and weak at times.

The future still seems overwhelming and scary to me but I have peace and calm in my heart at the same time.

I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. Now and always. I am still so overwhelmed and humbled with the love and support I have received from friends near and far.

Little Blessings

Oh man -- it's been a long time since the last post. But life just keeps spinning away.

So much has happened. I have so much to be thankful for and so many blessings in my life. But these times continue to be hard. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands in the air. But I know I can't. Sometimes I honestly don't think I am going to make it through the day. Yet somehow I do. And just when I think nothing else could go wrong. It does. 

But through it all, God is blessing me. Sometimes in the most simple ways, yet they are so profound. Like today. Today was rough. We signed our separation papers. I was up multiple times last night with pains in my stomach as I anticipated this. I went to my Bible study today and through gritted teeth and tears asked for prayers. I told a friend that I just didn't even know what or how exactly I should be feeling. These papers were supposed to have been signed months ago. And when I say months I literally mean 6 months ago. So I was thankful and relieved to have them signed, but at the same time there was so much behind it that was difficult. 

Every time I take a step like this is just makes it all so real. I can keep my head down and plug away at life and get done what I need to get done. But it's things like this that just smack me in the face and remind me how difficult it is to be trudging through these waters. And that this is real life. 

My life will never ever be the same again. I will forever be wearing the big 'D' and my kids will always come from a broken home. And I hate everything that is associated with that. So on days like today I just feel like I can't handle these reminders of what life will never look like or how it will never be 'normal' again. But then - God blesses me. 

As I mentioned before often it is through music. And He also uses people who touch me. Today when I got home I had a package waiting on my front step. It was from a dear friend who I haven't spoken to in quite some time. She sent books for the kids and a little trinket for me. But even more was the card. She just somehow knew exactly what I needed to hear - today. And it was like God coming down and speaking to me. Reminding me that although things won't ever be 'normal' because they are different, they will someday be ok again. Some people would probably think this was just a coincidence. But I know that this is how God works. 

I love what it says in Isaiah 43:1-4.

"1 But now, this is what the LORD says-- he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 

2When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. 

3 For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. 

4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life.

Isn't this amazing! Some words that stick out to me -- redeemed; summoned by name; you. are. mine. When life happens, storms come, trials persist - God is with us, AND he won't let these afflictions consume us. We are precious. What an awesome thought! God thinks we are precious! I just love reading stuff like this over and over. It is such a great reminder.

Another huge blessing in my life has been the opportunity to study God's word through a program called Bible Study Fellowship. It has been so amazing to dig into the Word and learn so much about how God works and how to apply it to my life. Again - it is no coincidence to me that I have the opportunity to do this during this season. I have been interested in it for a couple of years but the schedule just has not worked out until now. We are studying Moses and it is just amazing to learn about how God used him and worked in his life. I could go on and on about that. I shared today that I crave this time learning and studying and reading. I have been a believer my whole life but I have never craved reading the Bible! It's amazing. 

So that was a tangent! But it's me being real. I will keep taking things one step at a time. And growing and learning along the way. And trying to have an attitude of gratitude. I'm thankful for blessings both big and small. Because I have many!

Testing and Trials

I don't like being tested. No one does right? I feel like in my adult life I have had some pretty significant testing. Experiencing a miscarriage, living under the poverty level and dealing with job difficulties, waiting years to conceive, and having many doors shut. Everyone goes through trials and in the midst of these I felt like they were pretty tough, but knew that I would come out of them stronger and have more of an appreciation and purpose. I always saw the light on the other side.

But this... divorce... separation... everything that is happening in my whirlwind of a life right now... this is just not the case. If I'm being brutally honest, I don't see the light. I don't see any way, any how, that this is going to get better, or easier. I am trying the best I can to get through each day and enjoy each day, but sometimes I just feel so tested. 

I don't know why bad things happen or why 'God allows bad things to happen' as people say. But what I do know is that there is evil in the world. And I have never experienced a fight with Satan like I am now. This is some serious spiritual warfare. And like I keep saying, I do know that our faith grows only when we need to rely on God the most. You can't grow in your faith when your life is perfect and everything is going great. I mean... you can grow closer to God and worship Him and such. But your faith doesn't GROW. You just don't have the capacity to fully trust Him until you need to trust him. 

If you have never experienced the devastation of divorce, count your blessings. If you have, bless you. Seriously. I had not a clue how all encompassing it was and is. Every moment of every day is filled with emotional strain beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I took this amazing class  {I'm going to blog about that one day} and they said that when you think of your life in four parts; physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual - they are normally all running equally. However, when you are going through a divorce or separation, the emotional takes up 85%. I know you math wizards are realizing that only leaves 15% for everything else. Yeah - seems impossible to me. 

Then you add in things like the dishwasher leaking (thank you Dad for fixing that!), and now a refrigerator leaking, and cloth diapers leaking - despite the fact I have spent HOURS trying to fix that issue, and a diaper sprayer leaking -- yeah so clearly I have a leaking issue here. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up and quit. And clearly I can't just quit so instead I sit here and just wonder why. I think God thinks I am stronger than I am. No I know that. I don't know what to do about things like refrigerators leaking and honestly, HONESTLY, I just can't even deal with it. I can't. I just take the bottom part off and mop up the water every 3 days when it leaks. Because I honestly just don't have the energy to deal with it. I am putting everything I have into taking care of my precious babies and doing what I need to do for them. {And I love that.} But that leaves me with nothing else. And I am learning that's ok. It's ok for me to feel broken. And it's ok for me to have to let things go - like a lot of things. And it's ok for me to be incredibly thankful for so many blessings that I have, but at the same time wonder why all of this has to happen. 

I think it's ok for us to ask God why. Because when we show weakness, He is strong. And He knows our hearts and knows that we are human and when we fall on our knees He will meet us. He wants us to cry out to Him. And out of that questioning we will grow faith and trust and gratitude. 

So that's what's been on my heart and mind. And if you know of any little fairies that can fix refrigerators or cloth diapers or diaper sprayers -- you know where to send them. :)

Bad Days

Can I just be super honest for a minute?? Today sucks. It just does. I have soooo many blessings, so much to be thankful for, and so many good parts to my days, and I don't for one second want to sound ungrateful. But today seriously just stinks.

August 1, 2004

The best day of my life. My wedding day. My marriage day. The day I pledged to love and honor my one true love. My best friend. The one who I would spend every day with for the rest of my life. So many hopes. So many dreams. And now - exactly 10 years later - I sit and cry. Bawl actually. Thinking about how all of that is shattered to pieces. I just don't even know where to go from here or how to express the thousands of emotions it seems like I am feeling. It just seems to hit me like a million knives stabbing my heart. I honestly just don't even know what to compare it to. 

Obviously this day will always be difficult, but it just seems like an extra stab with it being our tenth anniversary. I took my vows very very seriously, and I just hate being in this position. I'm surrounded by people I love, yet I am just so lonely. I know there are people who know how I feel, yet I feel like I am the only one that feels these feelings. 

I have had bad days, and I know I will continue to have them, but today just stinks. I know that there are people who think I should just pick my head up and try my best to be happy. And people who want to say things to make me feel better. But honestly, I feel like for my recovery and my healing it's ok to have bad and sad days. 

So thanks for those who are putting up with me on my bad days and for letting me have them. The most important thing to me is to know how much God loves me and how much people love me. I know and feel both of those and am so grateful for that. I would not be able to trudge through this without it.

Inspiration

I love music. And it is such an important part of my life. I am inspired by it and there are certain songs that just touch me. I also love that songs can have a different meaning to different people, depending on where you are at on your path. I'm sure most of you can relate.

There is this one song that I have been listening to over and over and over since the separation. It's called "Oceans" by Hillsong UNITED. There is so much about this song that has struck me and encouraged me, but the overall meaning has been my inspiration. I want to trust God with everything in me, even {and especially} when I don't know the outcome. Right now I just feel like I am out on the water and when I look at my surroundings I feel completely overwhelmed. Although God doesn't want me to be in this situation, He has called me to it and is not going to leave me stranded. When I am out on the water the only thing I can do is keep my eyes on Him because as soon as I look away I sink. I feel overwhelmed with life and out of control.  And when I look at Him and call upon His name, I know that my faith is being made stronger. I am learning to trust God with everything I have for the first time in my life. I am blessed that I was raised in a Christian home and have been filled with faith. But it isn't until now that I am fully surrendering and trusting. Well I'm trying to. It's a process. Check out these lyrics. They are so incredibly powerful.

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

[6x]

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours and You are mine

The other song that I love the words to is "Glorious Unfolding" by Steven Curtis Chapman. This guy has been around my whole life - but still has some powerful lyrics. I met a friend the other day and fully believe that God sent her at that exact moment to be an angel to me. I was in an incredibly difficult and horrible meeting and stepped out for a moment to give her something. When I walked out she saw my distress and gave me a hug {well really just held me} and told me to call her after the meeting and she was going to take me to lunch. {See what I mean about friends truly loving me and being there for me?!?!} She also told me that she had just heard this song on the radio and said that the first few lines were written for me. 

"The Glorious Unfolding"

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
We’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life we’re living
Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding
We will watch and see and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We’ll see the glorious unfolding

Just watch and see (unfolding)
This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding)

I want to appreciate this life that God has given me -- and I do. But I also need to remember that this is not my final place. This isn't where the story ends. This is just the beginning and I just need to do my best to love God and love people and train my children and glorify Him. It sounds so easy. But when I do that, I will eventually receive my final reward in Heaven. And then it will be worth it. This is certainly not how I planned my life and my story. And there is nothing in me that wants to be going through a divorce. But it is part of my story and I need to keep doing the best I can and let God use it in the way He intends to. This process is teaching me so much and one of my big lessons is that I need to keep believing and trusting and growing. And I want to use my story to help people. Somehow and someway. I clearly am no expert and I am totally babbling at this point, but if someday down the road if I can help one person who is going through this same thing, I will be glad to know that God is using me.