Heartache

I am the first to admit: I was one of those people who judged others. Specifically other people who are wearing the big 'D' for divorced. As a Christian, I couldn't help but assume that other fellow Christians who were divorced either didn't try hard enough, weren't really followers of Christ, or must have gotten saved after their divorce. I am so ashamed to admit that I was living in this little bubble, my little bubble, where my marriage was hard work, but I was fighting to succeed in it and therefore other people in the same situation must not have fought hard enough. I would wonder what happened to lead to their divorce or if they had guilt about it because clearly God hates divorce.

And guess what? So do I.

I hate it. HATE IT.

But here I am, in the midst of going through it.

Our world - Christians and non - is filled with people who judge. People who condem. People who make themselves look better but putting others down. Whether outwardly or not. And I was one of those. I mean honestly I still am because I am human. But I am working on it.

I know that part of the reason we go through trials is so we can relate to others. I never ever imagined the severity of pain one could have when facing divorce. I am a Christian woman, one who has believed and followed Christ my whole life. One who fought as hard as I could to save my marriage. But you know what? It still happens. And it doesn't make me or anyone else wearing the 'D' any less Christian.

So I am ready to share my story. Not the details of what happened or why it happened. Because I don't think that is my testimony. I think my testimony is to reach out to others going through it. I am not a writer. At all. Seriously. You will find grammatical errors and you will not find fancy words And yay for spellcheck. But you will find me pouring my heart out and the honestly of my feelings.
In this blog, I am not looking for negative feedback. I am not looking for a pat on the back either. Simply I am just being honest about what it is to face divorce as a woman, a Christian, and a mother. I am also hoping that this will be an avenue for me to get my feelings out. Because let me tell you -- I never knew I had so many emotions!!!

Some days are good. Most are hard. Painfully hard. But no matter what, I love God more everyday and am trusting Him with blind faith because I have no clue what the future holds. Or what tomorrow holds. Or even tonight. And everyday I have so many blessings to be thankful for.

But the other truth I have discovered is how strong and fierce people love me. People have poured out blessings upon blessings for me and my children over the last 6 months. And every one of those blessings and people are snippets of God's love pouring over me. I have no doubt of how much He loves me and He shows me through so many people - friends, family, and even strangers.

The most important thing that I have learned over the last 6 months is how much I can love another human being. Not a spouse. But my children. My heart has grown so much with my love for them. I see God in them every moment. My sweet, sensitive, loving little boy who just wants to snuggle me and be with me. {And then yells at me and argues with me but that's another story.} And my precious, feisty, spunky little girl. Oh man I just laugh every day with the little personality God has given her. And I know without the shadow of a doubt He knew I would need her silliness to make me laugh and bring a smile to my face.

And so that leads me to the explanation of the title. I have a broken heart. It's actually more like exploded, shattered, ripped, and then stomped on. But at the same time, my heart is overwhelmingly full with the love of God, my friends and family, and my children. I never knew I could love like this.

**Side note - like I said this blog is not a place for me to share details, but for those wondering, I am not in a hateful place with Rob. I have been with him for half of my life. And we have shared amazing times together which I will always be grateful for. I will not ever talk bad about him. He has caused hurt and anger to many people, but he is also one of God's children and I have and always will forgive him.