Selfless

Again I want to say how much I appreciate the outpouring of love I have received from my friends and family. I see God surrounding me and comforting me through all of you and I am so grateful. My friendships have become deeper and more real over the last few months and I cherish that. It's part of how my heart is so full even going through such a devastating time.

I am learning and growing every day and one thing I want to focus on is being a true friend. Because through this, I have really learned what that means from the people who have reached out to me. It is such an example to see people giving of their time, love, and energy in such a selfless way. I have received calls, texts, messages, meals, help with the house, and many other physical offerings over the last few months. But more I have grown closer to friends who listen to me and are just there for me with a hug, a smile, or a laugh whenever I need it. I know that God has purposefully placed each of these people in my life. And it makes me want to be that kind of friend. I want to be able to give so freely and really honestly expect nothing in return.

I realized the other day this is exactly what I have been trying to ingrain in Luke's head for the last year. I talk to him so much about how God asks us to put others first. We talk frequently about 1 Thessalonians 5:11 which says, "be kind to one another and build each other up" and Matthew 20:16 "the last shall be first." This outpouring is not only an example to me but to Luke as well as he sees and feels the love that surround us.

So thank you to all of those examples out there!

Overwhelmed

You guys. I seriously can not believe the outpouring of love I have received. It is mind-blowing to me. I see and believe even more now why God has called me to this. Thank you for your love, support, and encouragement. It means so much to me.

I'm just being honest - it scares me and makes me feel even more vulnerable having this blog. But what good is it to go through trials if we don't use them to help others or share our testimonies. I refuse to sit in my comfortable little bubble anymore. God has given me an opportunity and avenue to reach out and so I am going to listen to that calling.

A few insights that have had me thinking today. One is a quote from my best friend's pastor this morning {Pastor Andy Woodall at Northridge Church}. He said, "God wants to make your mess His message." I think I qualify for a mess currently. So here I am making a message out of it and trying my best to bring glory to God. I'm a work in progress. We all are right?!??! So if this blog offends you - don't read it. If you are bored and need something to read - read it. If you find hope in it - read it. If you are also going through a struggle and can relate to some of the feelings - read it. I'm clearly no psychologist and obviously don't have answers. But I do have an open heart and honest feelings so this is my note from me to you.

The other thought is from my sweet sweet boy who is wise beyond his years. We were in the midst of a wonderful conversation in the car tonight and you know what he told me? He said, "Mommy, you don't know what's going to happen but God does because it's His perfect plan for our lives." Yeah Buddy. Preach. If only we could have that child-like faith. He just trusts. And I'm working on that. So as I lay down and fall asleep tonight I'm thinking and praying about giving over my worries and questions about the future. God's got me. He's got us all covered. We may not have the same plans for our lives and may disagree with some of what's thrown at us. But it's HIS perfect plan. So even though it's hard and it's messy and we don't understand it - it's still His plan and I trust His purpose and His design.

Heartache

I am the first to admit: I was one of those people who judged others. Specifically other people who are wearing the big 'D' for divorced. As a Christian, I couldn't help but assume that other fellow Christians who were divorced either didn't try hard enough, weren't really followers of Christ, or must have gotten saved after their divorce. I am so ashamed to admit that I was living in this little bubble, my little bubble, where my marriage was hard work, but I was fighting to succeed in it and therefore other people in the same situation must not have fought hard enough. I would wonder what happened to lead to their divorce or if they had guilt about it because clearly God hates divorce.

And guess what? So do I.

I hate it. HATE IT.

But here I am, in the midst of going through it.

Our world - Christians and non - is filled with people who judge. People who condem. People who make themselves look better but putting others down. Whether outwardly or not. And I was one of those. I mean honestly I still am because I am human. But I am working on it.

I know that part of the reason we go through trials is so we can relate to others. I never ever imagined the severity of pain one could have when facing divorce. I am a Christian woman, one who has believed and followed Christ my whole life. One who fought as hard as I could to save my marriage. But you know what? It still happens. And it doesn't make me or anyone else wearing the 'D' any less Christian.

So I am ready to share my story. Not the details of what happened or why it happened. Because I don't think that is my testimony. I think my testimony is to reach out to others going through it. I am not a writer. At all. Seriously. You will find grammatical errors and you will not find fancy words And yay for spellcheck. But you will find me pouring my heart out and the honestly of my feelings.
In this blog, I am not looking for negative feedback. I am not looking for a pat on the back either. Simply I am just being honest about what it is to face divorce as a woman, a Christian, and a mother. I am also hoping that this will be an avenue for me to get my feelings out. Because let me tell you -- I never knew I had so many emotions!!!

Some days are good. Most are hard. Painfully hard. But no matter what, I love God more everyday and am trusting Him with blind faith because I have no clue what the future holds. Or what tomorrow holds. Or even tonight. And everyday I have so many blessings to be thankful for.

But the other truth I have discovered is how strong and fierce people love me. People have poured out blessings upon blessings for me and my children over the last 6 months. And every one of those blessings and people are snippets of God's love pouring over me. I have no doubt of how much He loves me and He shows me through so many people - friends, family, and even strangers.

The most important thing that I have learned over the last 6 months is how much I can love another human being. Not a spouse. But my children. My heart has grown so much with my love for them. I see God in them every moment. My sweet, sensitive, loving little boy who just wants to snuggle me and be with me. {And then yells at me and argues with me but that's another story.} And my precious, feisty, spunky little girl. Oh man I just laugh every day with the little personality God has given her. And I know without the shadow of a doubt He knew I would need her silliness to make me laugh and bring a smile to my face.

And so that leads me to the explanation of the title. I have a broken heart. It's actually more like exploded, shattered, ripped, and then stomped on. But at the same time, my heart is overwhelmingly full with the love of God, my friends and family, and my children. I never knew I could love like this.

**Side note - like I said this blog is not a place for me to share details, but for those wondering, I am not in a hateful place with Rob. I have been with him for half of my life. And we have shared amazing times together which I will always be grateful for. I will not ever talk bad about him. He has caused hurt and anger to many people, but he is also one of God's children and I have and always will forgive him.