Oh man -- it's been a long time since the last post. But life just keeps spinning away.
So much has happened. I have so much to be thankful for and so many blessings in my life. But these times continue to be hard. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands in the air. But I know I can't. Sometimes I honestly don't think I am going to make it through the day. Yet somehow I do. And just when I think nothing else could go wrong. It does.
But through it all, God is blessing me. Sometimes in the most simple ways, yet they are so profound. Like today. Today was rough. We signed our separation papers. I was up multiple times last night with pains in my stomach as I anticipated this. I went to my Bible study today and through gritted teeth and tears asked for prayers. I told a friend that I just didn't even know what or how exactly I should be feeling. These papers were supposed to have been signed months ago. And when I say months I literally mean 6 months ago. So I was thankful and relieved to have them signed, but at the same time there was so much behind it that was difficult.
Every time I take a step like this is just makes it all so real. I can keep my head down and plug away at life and get done what I need to get done. But it's things like this that just smack me in the face and remind me how difficult it is to be trudging through these waters. And that this is real life.
My life will never ever be the same again. I will forever be wearing the big 'D' and my kids will always come from a broken home. And I hate everything that is associated with that. So on days like today I just feel like I can't handle these reminders of what life will never look like or how it will never be 'normal' again. But then - God blesses me.
As I mentioned before often it is through music. And He also uses people who touch me. Today when I got home I had a package waiting on my front step. It was from a dear friend who I haven't spoken to in quite some time. She sent books for the kids and a little trinket for me. But even more was the card. She just somehow knew exactly what I needed to hear - today. And it was like God coming down and speaking to me. Reminding me that although things won't ever be 'normal' because they are different, they will someday be ok again. Some people would probably think this was just a coincidence. But I know that this is how God works.
I love what it says in Isaiah 43:1-4.
"1 But now, this is what the LORD says-- he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead.
4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life.
Isn't this amazing! Some words that stick out to me -- redeemed; summoned by name; you. are. mine. When life happens, storms come, trials persist - God is with us, AND he won't let these afflictions consume us. We are precious. What an awesome thought! God thinks we are precious! I just love reading stuff like this over and over. It is such a great reminder.
Another huge blessing in my life has been the opportunity to study God's word through a program called Bible Study Fellowship. It has been so amazing to dig into the Word and learn so much about how God works and how to apply it to my life. Again - it is no coincidence to me that I have the opportunity to do this during this season. I have been interested in it for a couple of years but the schedule just has not worked out until now. We are studying Moses and it is just amazing to learn about how God used him and worked in his life. I could go on and on about that. I shared today that I crave this time learning and studying and reading. I have been a believer my whole life but I have never craved reading the Bible! It's amazing.
So that was a tangent! But it's me being real. I will keep taking things one step at a time. And growing and learning along the way. And trying to have an attitude of gratitude. I'm thankful for blessings both big and small. Because I have many!
