One Year

One year ago today my life changed forever. Rob and I have been separated for one year. One whole year. Eternity... yet the blink of an eye.

I still have so many emotions going on inside (and outside). I have learned and grown so incredibly much this past year and have done things I never thought I would have the strength to do. God has proven Himself to me over and over. Yet I am still so fragile and weak at times.

The future still seems overwhelming and scary to me but I have peace and calm in my heart at the same time.

I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. Now and always. I am still so overwhelmed and humbled with the love and support I have received from friends near and far.

Little Blessings

Oh man -- it's been a long time since the last post. But life just keeps spinning away.

So much has happened. I have so much to be thankful for and so many blessings in my life. But these times continue to be hard. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands in the air. But I know I can't. Sometimes I honestly don't think I am going to make it through the day. Yet somehow I do. And just when I think nothing else could go wrong. It does. 

But through it all, God is blessing me. Sometimes in the most simple ways, yet they are so profound. Like today. Today was rough. We signed our separation papers. I was up multiple times last night with pains in my stomach as I anticipated this. I went to my Bible study today and through gritted teeth and tears asked for prayers. I told a friend that I just didn't even know what or how exactly I should be feeling. These papers were supposed to have been signed months ago. And when I say months I literally mean 6 months ago. So I was thankful and relieved to have them signed, but at the same time there was so much behind it that was difficult. 

Every time I take a step like this is just makes it all so real. I can keep my head down and plug away at life and get done what I need to get done. But it's things like this that just smack me in the face and remind me how difficult it is to be trudging through these waters. And that this is real life. 

My life will never ever be the same again. I will forever be wearing the big 'D' and my kids will always come from a broken home. And I hate everything that is associated with that. So on days like today I just feel like I can't handle these reminders of what life will never look like or how it will never be 'normal' again. But then - God blesses me. 

As I mentioned before often it is through music. And He also uses people who touch me. Today when I got home I had a package waiting on my front step. It was from a dear friend who I haven't spoken to in quite some time. She sent books for the kids and a little trinket for me. But even more was the card. She just somehow knew exactly what I needed to hear - today. And it was like God coming down and speaking to me. Reminding me that although things won't ever be 'normal' because they are different, they will someday be ok again. Some people would probably think this was just a coincidence. But I know that this is how God works. 

I love what it says in Isaiah 43:1-4.

"1 But now, this is what the LORD says-- he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 

2When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. 

3 For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. 

4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life.

Isn't this amazing! Some words that stick out to me -- redeemed; summoned by name; you. are. mine. When life happens, storms come, trials persist - God is with us, AND he won't let these afflictions consume us. We are precious. What an awesome thought! God thinks we are precious! I just love reading stuff like this over and over. It is such a great reminder.

Another huge blessing in my life has been the opportunity to study God's word through a program called Bible Study Fellowship. It has been so amazing to dig into the Word and learn so much about how God works and how to apply it to my life. Again - it is no coincidence to me that I have the opportunity to do this during this season. I have been interested in it for a couple of years but the schedule just has not worked out until now. We are studying Moses and it is just amazing to learn about how God used him and worked in his life. I could go on and on about that. I shared today that I crave this time learning and studying and reading. I have been a believer my whole life but I have never craved reading the Bible! It's amazing. 

So that was a tangent! But it's me being real. I will keep taking things one step at a time. And growing and learning along the way. And trying to have an attitude of gratitude. I'm thankful for blessings both big and small. Because I have many!

Testing and Trials

I don't like being tested. No one does right? I feel like in my adult life I have had some pretty significant testing. Experiencing a miscarriage, living under the poverty level and dealing with job difficulties, waiting years to conceive, and having many doors shut. Everyone goes through trials and in the midst of these I felt like they were pretty tough, but knew that I would come out of them stronger and have more of an appreciation and purpose. I always saw the light on the other side.

But this... divorce... separation... everything that is happening in my whirlwind of a life right now... this is just not the case. If I'm being brutally honest, I don't see the light. I don't see any way, any how, that this is going to get better, or easier. I am trying the best I can to get through each day and enjoy each day, but sometimes I just feel so tested. 

I don't know why bad things happen or why 'God allows bad things to happen' as people say. But what I do know is that there is evil in the world. And I have never experienced a fight with Satan like I am now. This is some serious spiritual warfare. And like I keep saying, I do know that our faith grows only when we need to rely on God the most. You can't grow in your faith when your life is perfect and everything is going great. I mean... you can grow closer to God and worship Him and such. But your faith doesn't GROW. You just don't have the capacity to fully trust Him until you need to trust him. 

If you have never experienced the devastation of divorce, count your blessings. If you have, bless you. Seriously. I had not a clue how all encompassing it was and is. Every moment of every day is filled with emotional strain beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I took this amazing class  {I'm going to blog about that one day} and they said that when you think of your life in four parts; physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual - they are normally all running equally. However, when you are going through a divorce or separation, the emotional takes up 85%. I know you math wizards are realizing that only leaves 15% for everything else. Yeah - seems impossible to me. 

Then you add in things like the dishwasher leaking (thank you Dad for fixing that!), and now a refrigerator leaking, and cloth diapers leaking - despite the fact I have spent HOURS trying to fix that issue, and a diaper sprayer leaking -- yeah so clearly I have a leaking issue here. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up and quit. And clearly I can't just quit so instead I sit here and just wonder why. I think God thinks I am stronger than I am. No I know that. I don't know what to do about things like refrigerators leaking and honestly, HONESTLY, I just can't even deal with it. I can't. I just take the bottom part off and mop up the water every 3 days when it leaks. Because I honestly just don't have the energy to deal with it. I am putting everything I have into taking care of my precious babies and doing what I need to do for them. {And I love that.} But that leaves me with nothing else. And I am learning that's ok. It's ok for me to feel broken. And it's ok for me to have to let things go - like a lot of things. And it's ok for me to be incredibly thankful for so many blessings that I have, but at the same time wonder why all of this has to happen. 

I think it's ok for us to ask God why. Because when we show weakness, He is strong. And He knows our hearts and knows that we are human and when we fall on our knees He will meet us. He wants us to cry out to Him. And out of that questioning we will grow faith and trust and gratitude. 

So that's what's been on my heart and mind. And if you know of any little fairies that can fix refrigerators or cloth diapers or diaper sprayers -- you know where to send them. :)

Bad Days

Can I just be super honest for a minute?? Today sucks. It just does. I have soooo many blessings, so much to be thankful for, and so many good parts to my days, and I don't for one second want to sound ungrateful. But today seriously just stinks.

August 1, 2004

The best day of my life. My wedding day. My marriage day. The day I pledged to love and honor my one true love. My best friend. The one who I would spend every day with for the rest of my life. So many hopes. So many dreams. And now - exactly 10 years later - I sit and cry. Bawl actually. Thinking about how all of that is shattered to pieces. I just don't even know where to go from here or how to express the thousands of emotions it seems like I am feeling. It just seems to hit me like a million knives stabbing my heart. I honestly just don't even know what to compare it to. 

Obviously this day will always be difficult, but it just seems like an extra stab with it being our tenth anniversary. I took my vows very very seriously, and I just hate being in this position. I'm surrounded by people I love, yet I am just so lonely. I know there are people who know how I feel, yet I feel like I am the only one that feels these feelings. 

I have had bad days, and I know I will continue to have them, but today just stinks. I know that there are people who think I should just pick my head up and try my best to be happy. And people who want to say things to make me feel better. But honestly, I feel like for my recovery and my healing it's ok to have bad and sad days. 

So thanks for those who are putting up with me on my bad days and for letting me have them. The most important thing to me is to know how much God loves me and how much people love me. I know and feel both of those and am so grateful for that. I would not be able to trudge through this without it.

Inspiration

I love music. And it is such an important part of my life. I am inspired by it and there are certain songs that just touch me. I also love that songs can have a different meaning to different people, depending on where you are at on your path. I'm sure most of you can relate.

There is this one song that I have been listening to over and over and over since the separation. It's called "Oceans" by Hillsong UNITED. There is so much about this song that has struck me and encouraged me, but the overall meaning has been my inspiration. I want to trust God with everything in me, even {and especially} when I don't know the outcome. Right now I just feel like I am out on the water and when I look at my surroundings I feel completely overwhelmed. Although God doesn't want me to be in this situation, He has called me to it and is not going to leave me stranded. When I am out on the water the only thing I can do is keep my eyes on Him because as soon as I look away I sink. I feel overwhelmed with life and out of control.  And when I look at Him and call upon His name, I know that my faith is being made stronger. I am learning to trust God with everything I have for the first time in my life. I am blessed that I was raised in a Christian home and have been filled with faith. But it isn't until now that I am fully surrendering and trusting. Well I'm trying to. It's a process. Check out these lyrics. They are so incredibly powerful.

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

[6x]

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours and You are mine

The other song that I love the words to is "Glorious Unfolding" by Steven Curtis Chapman. This guy has been around my whole life - but still has some powerful lyrics. I met a friend the other day and fully believe that God sent her at that exact moment to be an angel to me. I was in an incredibly difficult and horrible meeting and stepped out for a moment to give her something. When I walked out she saw my distress and gave me a hug {well really just held me} and told me to call her after the meeting and she was going to take me to lunch. {See what I mean about friends truly loving me and being there for me?!?!} She also told me that she had just heard this song on the radio and said that the first few lines were written for me. 

"The Glorious Unfolding"

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
We’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life we’re living
Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding
We will watch and see and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We’ll see the glorious unfolding

Just watch and see (unfolding)
This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding)

I want to appreciate this life that God has given me -- and I do. But I also need to remember that this is not my final place. This isn't where the story ends. This is just the beginning and I just need to do my best to love God and love people and train my children and glorify Him. It sounds so easy. But when I do that, I will eventually receive my final reward in Heaven. And then it will be worth it. This is certainly not how I planned my life and my story. And there is nothing in me that wants to be going through a divorce. But it is part of my story and I need to keep doing the best I can and let God use it in the way He intends to. This process is teaching me so much and one of my big lessons is that I need to keep believing and trusting and growing. And I want to use my story to help people. Somehow and someway. I clearly am no expert and I am totally babbling at this point, but if someday down the road if I can help one person who is going through this same thing, I will be glad to know that God is using me. 

Selfless

Again I want to say how much I appreciate the outpouring of love I have received from my friends and family. I see God surrounding me and comforting me through all of you and I am so grateful. My friendships have become deeper and more real over the last few months and I cherish that. It's part of how my heart is so full even going through such a devastating time.

I am learning and growing every day and one thing I want to focus on is being a true friend. Because through this, I have really learned what that means from the people who have reached out to me. It is such an example to see people giving of their time, love, and energy in such a selfless way. I have received calls, texts, messages, meals, help with the house, and many other physical offerings over the last few months. But more I have grown closer to friends who listen to me and are just there for me with a hug, a smile, or a laugh whenever I need it. I know that God has purposefully placed each of these people in my life. And it makes me want to be that kind of friend. I want to be able to give so freely and really honestly expect nothing in return.

I realized the other day this is exactly what I have been trying to ingrain in Luke's head for the last year. I talk to him so much about how God asks us to put others first. We talk frequently about 1 Thessalonians 5:11 which says, "be kind to one another and build each other up" and Matthew 20:16 "the last shall be first." This outpouring is not only an example to me but to Luke as well as he sees and feels the love that surround us.

So thank you to all of those examples out there!

Overwhelmed

You guys. I seriously can not believe the outpouring of love I have received. It is mind-blowing to me. I see and believe even more now why God has called me to this. Thank you for your love, support, and encouragement. It means so much to me.

I'm just being honest - it scares me and makes me feel even more vulnerable having this blog. But what good is it to go through trials if we don't use them to help others or share our testimonies. I refuse to sit in my comfortable little bubble anymore. God has given me an opportunity and avenue to reach out and so I am going to listen to that calling.

A few insights that have had me thinking today. One is a quote from my best friend's pastor this morning {Pastor Andy Woodall at Northridge Church}. He said, "God wants to make your mess His message." I think I qualify for a mess currently. So here I am making a message out of it and trying my best to bring glory to God. I'm a work in progress. We all are right?!??! So if this blog offends you - don't read it. If you are bored and need something to read - read it. If you find hope in it - read it. If you are also going through a struggle and can relate to some of the feelings - read it. I'm clearly no psychologist and obviously don't have answers. But I do have an open heart and honest feelings so this is my note from me to you.

The other thought is from my sweet sweet boy who is wise beyond his years. We were in the midst of a wonderful conversation in the car tonight and you know what he told me? He said, "Mommy, you don't know what's going to happen but God does because it's His perfect plan for our lives." Yeah Buddy. Preach. If only we could have that child-like faith. He just trusts. And I'm working on that. So as I lay down and fall asleep tonight I'm thinking and praying about giving over my worries and questions about the future. God's got me. He's got us all covered. We may not have the same plans for our lives and may disagree with some of what's thrown at us. But it's HIS perfect plan. So even though it's hard and it's messy and we don't understand it - it's still His plan and I trust His purpose and His design.

Heartache

I am the first to admit: I was one of those people who judged others. Specifically other people who are wearing the big 'D' for divorced. As a Christian, I couldn't help but assume that other fellow Christians who were divorced either didn't try hard enough, weren't really followers of Christ, or must have gotten saved after their divorce. I am so ashamed to admit that I was living in this little bubble, my little bubble, where my marriage was hard work, but I was fighting to succeed in it and therefore other people in the same situation must not have fought hard enough. I would wonder what happened to lead to their divorce or if they had guilt about it because clearly God hates divorce.

And guess what? So do I.

I hate it. HATE IT.

But here I am, in the midst of going through it.

Our world - Christians and non - is filled with people who judge. People who condem. People who make themselves look better but putting others down. Whether outwardly or not. And I was one of those. I mean honestly I still am because I am human. But I am working on it.

I know that part of the reason we go through trials is so we can relate to others. I never ever imagined the severity of pain one could have when facing divorce. I am a Christian woman, one who has believed and followed Christ my whole life. One who fought as hard as I could to save my marriage. But you know what? It still happens. And it doesn't make me or anyone else wearing the 'D' any less Christian.

So I am ready to share my story. Not the details of what happened or why it happened. Because I don't think that is my testimony. I think my testimony is to reach out to others going through it. I am not a writer. At all. Seriously. You will find grammatical errors and you will not find fancy words And yay for spellcheck. But you will find me pouring my heart out and the honestly of my feelings.
In this blog, I am not looking for negative feedback. I am not looking for a pat on the back either. Simply I am just being honest about what it is to face divorce as a woman, a Christian, and a mother. I am also hoping that this will be an avenue for me to get my feelings out. Because let me tell you -- I never knew I had so many emotions!!!

Some days are good. Most are hard. Painfully hard. But no matter what, I love God more everyday and am trusting Him with blind faith because I have no clue what the future holds. Or what tomorrow holds. Or even tonight. And everyday I have so many blessings to be thankful for.

But the other truth I have discovered is how strong and fierce people love me. People have poured out blessings upon blessings for me and my children over the last 6 months. And every one of those blessings and people are snippets of God's love pouring over me. I have no doubt of how much He loves me and He shows me through so many people - friends, family, and even strangers.

The most important thing that I have learned over the last 6 months is how much I can love another human being. Not a spouse. But my children. My heart has grown so much with my love for them. I see God in them every moment. My sweet, sensitive, loving little boy who just wants to snuggle me and be with me. {And then yells at me and argues with me but that's another story.} And my precious, feisty, spunky little girl. Oh man I just laugh every day with the little personality God has given her. And I know without the shadow of a doubt He knew I would need her silliness to make me laugh and bring a smile to my face.

And so that leads me to the explanation of the title. I have a broken heart. It's actually more like exploded, shattered, ripped, and then stomped on. But at the same time, my heart is overwhelmingly full with the love of God, my friends and family, and my children. I never knew I could love like this.

**Side note - like I said this blog is not a place for me to share details, but for those wondering, I am not in a hateful place with Rob. I have been with him for half of my life. And we have shared amazing times together which I will always be grateful for. I will not ever talk bad about him. He has caused hurt and anger to many people, but he is also one of God's children and I have and always will forgive him.