I have been thinking about writing this post for a long time, but just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. For some reason putting it in writing makes it seem even more real.
The divorce is final.
The last 16 months have been the hardest of my entire life. I have never experienced so much pain, and I hope I don't ever again. In a sense, it seems like the end of the road. But really I feel like this is just the beginning. People have asked how I feel about the divorce being final, and I am not really sure how to put it into words. On one hand, it is somewhat relieving to have some closure. Yet I still just don't want to be in this place and my heart aches so much. I feel like I am being forced to leave so many dreams behind me. This is just so far from what I ever hoped for for my family. It just really stinks.
That being said, every day I feel like I get my feet a little more firmly planted and I have been given such peace. A peace that surely can only come from God. He has truly sustained me. And I feel so empowered in many ways.
A very dear friend of mine said the most amazing thing when I told her the divorce was final. I'm not sure that I have ever been so profoundly impacted by words. She said, "You are God's child. You are loved beyond measure. You are an amazing mother. You are one of the strongest women I know and admire. You, Kerry are my dear friend who cannot by confined by any title." It is so easy to forget those things. The most important thing to me is to be God's child and that can never be taken away from me. Even though there is so much pain and so much hurt I know I am loved so deeply by Him. I could never understand the depths of His love. I think about how much I love my children. So much that it hurts sometimes. And He loves me even more than that. I just can not wrap my head around it. And that is what I have been choosing to focus on.
And I know that the enemy wants nothing more than for me to forget all of that. He doesn't want me to get through this and come out still praising God. But lucky for me my God is bigger and has provided for me in so many ways.
There's a song that I love. It's my new theme song. It's by for King and Country and it's called "It's Not Over Yet." The parts that I love the most say this:
They are inside your head
You got a voice that says
You won't get past this one
You won't win your freedom....
You're bruised and beaten
And you feel defeated
To everyone who's hit their limit
It's not over yet
And even when you think you're finished
It's not over yet...
It's time to put it in your past...
It's redemption season...
This is my redemption season. Because I am already redeemed by the One who matters most. So I can keep taking one step at a time and trusting that He is going to bless me in ways that I didn't know possible. And He already is. I have seen His hand on so many little things over the past few months. I have watched things unfold that can only be His handiwork. And I am so grateful.
This life is not what matters most. It's not over yet. And it never will be on this earth. So I will do the best I can to praise Him and be thankful for the thousands upon thousands of blessings that I have. But I can always keep in mind the rewards that are waiting for me when I get to the other side -- especially when I am feeling bruised and beaten.
Here's the song if you want to listen to it on YouTube (its SO GOOD!):
